did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
