i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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