maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
