What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
