omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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