Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
