the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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