i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
