God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
