My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
