I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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