Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
