She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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