Pants 0. Shit 1.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
