Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
