if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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