So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
