you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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