If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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