i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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