I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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