I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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