Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
