Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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