I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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