The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize