So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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