apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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