Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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