anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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