how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
