i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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