Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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