He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
