Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize