I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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