dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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