Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
