I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
