i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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