I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
