Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
