i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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