I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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