The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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