i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
