Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
