your thong is hanging out like whoa
i don't like sucking hair
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
