I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
