Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
