I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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