I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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