I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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