I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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