I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
