Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
