you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize