Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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